


i am not your protagonist (i’m not even my own)

by orphan_account



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, aka that one au where arima “wins” the fight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:49:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26670928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “This is,” he gasped, eyes focused on something the older man would never see, “my one and only choice. Don’t you get it?”And as much as Arima despised the choice he’d made, he did get it.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

There he stands, once again on the edge of death without anyone else being aware of it. He isn't hurt, nor is he old enough to decay the way he does. Things end all the time, whether it be a moment or an era. He is not exempt from that, as much as it may seem that way. They can worship him all they want, with monikers carved from his sins falling from their lips, but it does not change the simple biology that Arima has become acquainted with. Their scorn, their hope, their adoration means nothing in the face of death. He may be the White Reaper, but who said he couldn't escort himself down to the depths of hell?

Or maybe he was meant to be done in by one of his own. 

Across from the ivory so-called 'god', Kaneki Ken looks down at the broken weapon lodged in his abdomen. His grey eyes (like cemetery stone, when had they become so lifeless?) scanned Arima, searching so deeply that Arima felt somewhat exposed. 

Was he angry? Shocked? Did he have any doubt in his mind towards the man who had mercifully eradicated him only to bring him back from death with nothing but a 20 year gap in his brain to show for it? What was he to the one-eyed ghoul, anyway? For Haise, he'd been the only father the younger man had ever known. For Centipede, he was only an obstacle. But Kaneki Ken, with his once snow white locks dyed pure black like a loss of innocence, was another story.

"18 years," Arima began, but he never got the chance to finish his sentence.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Haise lacked the ruthless nature engrained in most investigators' resolve. He was far too kind, yet cruel when he let himself go. His bloodlust knew no limits when it was exposed; no human, ghoul, or anything in between was spared from his often violent outbursts. They were scattered and erratic, intense in a way that only a ghoul could display, yet painfully human. Those caught in the crossfire were often desperate for some kind of resolution. But Haise, with his two-toned hair and mismatched eyes, didn't seem to favor balance.

Maybe that was the part of him that Arima ran through with his trusty quinque, creating space for a model investigator. It wasn't a clean cut, he knew, and that was the main problem. No matter how hard Arima buried the worries of the other, Kaneki Ken was a vengeful bastard who had too much to fix before the curtain call. Although he was still an insect who writhed in agony, begging to be put out of his misery, he knew when it was time for an encore. The messy aftermath that followed the wreck of Anteiku was certainly a clear indication.

It didn't matter how much of a pacifist Haise Sasaki was, nor did it matter how different he was from his original counterpart. Like the black roots underneath silvery locks the color of clouds, the ghost of Kaneki Ken still screamed requests that were impossible to hold off for long.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Though his left eye was failing him and his attention was elsewhere, Arima Kishou saw the scene in front of him with startling clarity. He saw the way the boy's lips curled slightly upwards, felt the unspoken emotion within the faint expression. He watched as the crimson scaled hands wrapped around the stub of a quinque still impaling him. And then, almost too fast for him to track, they zipped upwards, splitting Kaneki Ken in half from the bottom of his ribcage to the tip of his head.


	2. Chapter 2

There was no fanfare, no time to even feel shock. No time to feel anything at all, really, save for the warm splatter of blood that came from the one-eyed ghoul's mutilated body.  
  
  
Arima could only think one thing.  
  
  
_That's my job._  
  
  
  
\----------------------------  
  
He doesn't cry when the light leaves those grey eyes that mirror his own, clouded with doubt and guilt. When he arrives at the compressor, the tall grey-haired ghoul from earlier now reduced to incomplete chunks and his companions far gone, Arima doesn't shed a tear. He deals with the fallout, intercepts calls from the shores of Rushima, confirms the death of the Owl and calls for the disposal of Haise-no, Centipede. 240. Eyepatch. The One Eyed King, in another reality. He knows they won't give medical attention to him, not with the evidence of his betrayal so prominent. Besides, he doubts they'd be able to do anything. His eyes remain dry as he fills out the paperwork, recalls the troops, directs the med squad in the direction of the injured investigators.   
  
  
But when he is finally alone in his office, facing the table ( _I'll beat you one day, Arima-san!_ ) and the bookshelves ( _Have you read this one yet? It has a pretty compelling plot, not to mention the-_ ) and the deafening silence that rings in his student's absence, a tear begins its journey from his nearly blind eye to the edge of his jawline.

———————————————————

He’s in a meeting, discussing the effects of the latest operations, when it hits him. He never reported the other ghouls. Not the young one that Haise seemed so intent on saving, or the one with the smile that made him falter; hell, not even the Black Rabbit. Does it even matter? Everything he’s planned up until this point has vanished, the future him and Eto and built disappearing with their successor’s last breath. 

It was surreal, knowing that he was physically and undoubtedly gone. Kaneki Ken had died four times over, but it never seemed final. He’d always been so alive, no matter what you put him through. It was ironic, that gift of durability he’d been given. Rize had ripped him open and shoved that part of her inside of him, but all he wanted was rest. 

Haise was a nice little nap, but in the end, it was just another path that had been carved from his own destruction. He only went where he was led. In a way, he was just like Arima. 

He can’t stop hearing those words. Final and choked, amplified by the almost blissful smile that graced his blood-caked face.

“This is,” he gasped, eyes focused on something the older man would never see, “my one and only choice. Don’t you get it?”

And as much as Arima despised the choice he’d made, he did get it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See you later.

Maybe it’s some kind of punishment. Maybe she’s gotten too comfortable, too confident in the other’s ability to carry on. 

It always seemed like a fixed point. Kaneki was hurt. Kaneki was reborn. Kaneki repeated the cycle until he broke again. Wasn’t that what a tragedy was meant for?

But all novels come to an end. Touka remembers him telling her that, back when he still had that little eyepatch and some kind of unstable innocence. At the time, she’d slammed the book down, perplexed at how many emotions a few shitty pieces of paper had made her feel. He’d seemed happy, though, like it was some kind of pact they shared. She’d seen that look before, when he helped Hinami with kanji or rambled on about Tak-whatever’s newest release. 

When he left, she tried to recreate that feeling. She tore through book after book, chasing some kind of hint or sign within the dark ink and pristine pages. She read and read, so fast it made her head pound, but it still didn’t register. 

And when he really left, she realized why her damn heart was so full during those moments. She didn’t really care about literature or Kamii or compelling storylines. She cared about him. Why was that not enough?

Did he even know?


End file.
